This story or what ever it is begins with me. Alone. The word alone barely has a meaning to me anymore, but even just 8 or 9 months ago, it was all I knew. I don't want anyone to misinterpret my situation so I've just got to explain something really quick:
I am from a huge family. I have 3 younger sisters, an older brother, two dogs, and two parents. I have eighteen Aunts and Uncles on my Mom's side alone. I have fifty cousins on my Mom's side alone. This does not include the many second cousins, great Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents on either my Mom or Dad's sides. I'm not going to take forever explaining how many people are in my family because that would be boring and annoying. The point is, there are a fluffing lot of people in my family. So how could I ever know what alone is when I am surrounded by so many people who love me? If you have a huge family you may understand. Sometimes there's just too many people to feel like you are loved uniquely.
I did kind of a lot of dumb things my freshman and sophomore years in high school. When I say I did "dumb things" I don't mean I tried drugs or alcohol or partied or anything even close to that. I played basketball and believed all the trash talk my coach screamed at me. I hated myself and I let myself believe that not eating, breaking myself down, hurting myself or even killing myself could potentially be the answer. I know a lot of teenagers feel this way. I won't pretend like I'm the only one who has ever felt like their life sucks and wanted to go to extremes to escape it.
But anyway, there I was in a dark world where I felt like there was no way out. I acted like I was okay most of the time, but I know that people could tell my heart was dying.
I had no true friends who were there for me except my friend, Amanat. We called each other best friends, but really most of what I did to her was complain and tell her how badly I wanted to kill myself. That is not what a best friend does. I am publicly saying sorry to her right now if she ever comes across this. We are still friends, but she lives kind of far from me and I don't see her or talk to her as much as I used to.
I complained like this to others also. I could name a few, but I won't because it's kind of humiliating. I regret using them like that. That's not okay. I was not a good friend then because I didn't know what that meant.
Anyway; moving on from my selfish life. I got to a point where certain events took place and I knew that I was not where I should be. I was not doing what I should be. Throughout both of my years at public school, even though I dug myself into a deep hole, I was subconsciously building a ladder to get out.
That ladder was the gospel of Jesus Christ. The rungs of that ladder were faith, prayer, journaling, scripture study, going to church and repentance. Somehow even in the darkness of everything around me, Heavenly Father blessed me with the ability to stay on track in this way. I am so grateful to him for that. I have no idea where I would be, what I would be doing, or if I'd even be alive right now if I had not continued to do those things.
One of the things I prayed for the most was a best friend.
A friend in the gospel to keep me strong.
A friend who I could confide in.
A friend who I could also hang out with and have good times with.
It is amazing how directly and to perfection that Heavenly Father answered my prayer for a friend like this.
She did not come right away, though. I followed the promptings of Christ and made the decision to pull out of public school and start to be homeschooled my Junior year. Before Junior year came, I had no idea how I was going to handle it. I had grabbed Christ's hand and allowed him to lead me through the darkness. I trusted him enough to just follow. But following came with tripping on stones in the dark: putting my trust in the wrong people, losing friends, losing confidence, breaking myself down again, digging deeper into depression. I felt that there would be no end. But today, I can testify to you that there was sunlight at the end of those dark woods and I only reached that sunlight because I never let go of Jesus's hand.
Last summer I went to girl's camp (Young Women Ages 12-18 LDS Camp) for a week. The theme was "Shine." When I got there I did not feel like I could shine. I had nothing to shine about. I didn't feel like there was any light in me. I prayed before I went to camp that I would make friends and be able to find a way to shine.
Something happened to me that week that gave me light. I made friends and I was able to accept people and myself in a way that I had never experienced before.
I didn't know Erika much then, but I kept on feeling like I should go talk to her. So, I tried a few times. She was obviously very closed off to anyone and everyone at that time. But, that experience I was having at camp gave me courage to keep pressing it. Even after camp, I kept texting her and pressing it because something- it must have been the spirit- was telling me to.
At camp they also had Zumba for exercise everyday. Erika went and so did I even though I still didn't talk to her much. After camp, we found out that there were Zumba classes at the church in the mornings. Somehow it got arranged where Erika picked me up every morning and we spent most of the rest of our summer weekday mornings doing Zumba.
One day Erika texted me and asked if my Mom could homeschool her. I told her about the program that I did and how it's mostly independent so she didn't need my Mom in order to be homeschooled. Over a few weeks and several conversations, Erika decided to do the same program as I was going to do.
So, even when school started, because our schedule's were flexible, we were able to continue going to Zumba and hanging out in the mornings.
We started getting pretty close when she started talking to me about why she was so closed off to friends.
I remember the first time we decided we were best friends. This boy asked, "Are you guys sisters or just best friends?"
I wasn't sure what to say because I wasn't sure if we were best friends. But, she answered it for me.
"Best friends!" She smiled.
I knew at that moment that we were, but I wasn't sure if I could commit to that title. I thought she would betray me as many of my former friends had. I couldn't allow myself to trust for a while. But, accepting that title was the beginning of realizing how much one person can change a state of mind and even a life. It took some time and a lot of ups and downs, confusion, and learning to trust and stick it through to find a love that is the rarest of them all.
To Be Continued...
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