Remembering

Hello. :) I wrote this poem last night. I was feeling really sorry for myself about a lot of things that really aren't important in the span of eternity. I started to write this poem as an outlet to the way I was feeling. It probably would've ended up really negative and I wouldn't have posted it. But, I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for reminding me of what I do have on this Earth and of who I am. They are always looking out for me. Even when I feel so low, I can feel them touch my heart and comfort me; telling me that it's going to be okay. I've just got to keep going and keep trying my best in this life. That is all that Christ wants: each of our personal bests. He doesn't expect perfection. Love life and love yourself. Always remember who you are:

All I want is freedom.
All I seek is love.
I thought I found my jail break
when I found light above.
I know it's there.
I know he's there.
I know I'm not alone.
But it's just me-
my selfish mind-
that wants to lead me home.
But where is home?
Somehow I know.
Yet there are moments when I'm lost.
I live and breathe so desperately
because he paid the cost.
I know the pain he took for me
suffices for my sin,
suffices for the life I lead
and lifts my soul within.

I brace myself with shaking hands
for when faith will be my breathe.
I must press on
I must endure
because he conquered death.
For who am I
to judge my soul?
to break my being down?
Yet who am I to be a light
that rises from the ground?
I am his child.
I am his heir.
I know I'm not alone.
Even when I'm bruised and weak,
He will guide me home.

My Best Friend

If I ever had to write some kind of essay about someone who changed my life, I would write it about my best friend, Erika Rose Coleman. I don't want to have to wait until that opportunity may come up, so I'm going to write about her now. Everyone should know about the amazingness that she is. I have never loved a friend as much as I love her. To be honest, I never knew that I could love a friend as much as a love her. She's taught me so much about what love means.
This story or what ever it is begins with me. Alone. The word alone barely has a meaning to me anymore, but even just 8 or 9 months ago, it was all I knew. I don't want anyone to misinterpret my situation so I've just got to explain something really quick:
I am from a huge family. I have 3 younger sisters, an older brother, two dogs, and two parents. I have eighteen Aunts and Uncles on my Mom's side alone. I have fifty cousins on my Mom's side alone. This does not include the many second cousins, great Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents on either my Mom or Dad's sides. I'm not going to take forever explaining how many people are in my family because that would be boring and annoying. The point is, there are a fluffing lot of people in my family. So how could I ever know what alone is when I am surrounded by so many people who love me? If you have a huge family you may understand. Sometimes there's just too many people to feel like you are loved uniquely.
I did kind of a lot of dumb things my freshman and sophomore years in high school. When I say I did "dumb things" I don't mean I tried drugs or alcohol or partied or anything even close to that. I played basketball and believed all the trash talk my coach screamed at me. I hated myself and I let myself believe that not eating, breaking myself down, hurting myself or even killing myself could potentially be the answer. I know a lot of teenagers feel this way. I won't pretend like I'm the only one who has ever felt like their life sucks and wanted to go to extremes to escape it.
But anyway, there I was in a dark world where I felt like there was no way out. I acted like I was okay most of the time, but I know that people could tell my heart was dying.
I had no true friends who were there for me except my friend, Amanat. We called each other best friends, but really most of what I did to her was complain and tell her how badly I wanted to kill myself. That is not what a best friend does. I am publicly saying sorry to her right now if she ever comes across this. We are still friends, but she lives kind of far from me and I don't see her or talk to her as much as I used to.
I complained like this to others also. I could name a few, but I won't because it's kind of humiliating. I regret using them like that. That's not okay. I was not a good friend then because I didn't know what that meant.
Anyway; moving on from my selfish life. I got to a point where certain events took place and I knew that I was not where I should be. I was not doing what I should be. Throughout both of my years at public school, even though I dug myself into a deep hole, I was subconsciously building a ladder to get out.
That ladder was the gospel of Jesus Christ. The rungs of that ladder were faith, prayer, journaling, scripture study, going to church and repentance. Somehow even in the darkness of everything around me, Heavenly Father blessed me with the ability to stay on track in this way. I am so grateful to him for that. I have no idea where I would be, what I would be doing, or if I'd even be alive right now if I had not continued to do those things.
One of the things I prayed for the most was a best friend.
A friend in the gospel to keep me strong.
A friend who I could confide in.
A friend who I could also hang out with and have good times with.
It is amazing how directly and to perfection that Heavenly Father answered my prayer for a friend like this.
She did not come right away, though. I followed the promptings of Christ and made the decision to pull out of public school and start to be homeschooled my Junior year. Before Junior year came, I had no idea how I was going to handle it. I had grabbed Christ's hand and allowed him to lead me through the darkness. I trusted him enough to just follow. But following came with tripping on stones in the dark: putting my trust in the wrong people, losing friends, losing confidence, breaking myself down again, digging deeper into depression. I felt that there would be no end. But today, I can testify to you that there was sunlight at the end of those dark woods and I only reached that sunlight because I never let go of Jesus's hand.
Last summer I went to girl's camp (Young Women Ages 12-18 LDS Camp) for a week. The theme was "Shine." When I got there I did not feel like I could shine. I had nothing to shine about. I didn't feel like there was any light in me. I prayed before I went to camp that I would make friends and be able to find a way to shine.
Something happened to me that week that gave me light. I made friends and I was able to accept people and myself in a way that I had never experienced before.
I didn't know Erika much then, but I kept on feeling like I should go talk to her. So, I tried a few times. She was obviously very closed off to anyone and everyone at that time. But, that experience I was having at camp gave me courage to keep pressing it. Even after camp, I kept texting her and pressing it because something- it must have been the spirit- was telling me to.
At camp they also had Zumba for exercise everyday. Erika went and so did I even though I still didn't talk to her much. After camp, we found out that there were Zumba classes at the church in the mornings. Somehow it got arranged where Erika picked me up every morning and we spent most of the rest of our summer weekday mornings doing Zumba.
One day Erika texted me and asked if my Mom could homeschool her. I told her about the program that I did and how it's mostly independent so she didn't need my Mom in order to be homeschooled. Over a few weeks and several conversations, Erika decided to do the same program as I was going to do.
So, even when school started, because our schedule's were flexible, we were able to continue going to Zumba and hanging out in the mornings.
We started getting pretty close when she started talking to me about why she was so closed off to friends.
 I remember the first time we decided we were best friends. This boy asked, "Are you guys sisters or just best friends?"
I wasn't sure what to say because I wasn't sure if we were best friends. But, she answered it for me.
"Best friends!" She smiled.
I knew at that moment that we were, but I wasn't sure if I could commit to that title. I thought she would betray me as many of my former friends had. I couldn't allow myself to trust for a while. But, accepting that title was the beginning of realizing how much one person can change a state of mind and even a life. It took some time and a lot of ups and downs, confusion, and learning to trust and stick it through to find a love that is the rarest of them all.

To Be Continued...

Tender Mercies for a Prom Dress

So..... I finally got my dress! Just a "quick" story to tie in how Heavenly Father cares about you and that he wants to see you happy and succeed in literally everything in life.. even Prom. Prayer works guys. Do it. He wants to know how to help you.

 

So as soon as Tyler said yes to my invitation to Prom, I realized that I needed a dress super fast because Prom was in 3 weeks. (Now about two.) I had this really beautiful, light pink, princess ball gown set in my mind. The problem was that I had seen it in a higher-quality second hand store about a month ago. That meant that there was a very high chance that it wasn't there anymore.

Friday night I barely slept. I was online looking at the dress on the store's sight plotting how to get it into my hands as soon as possible.It fit so well when I had tried it on in the store. It was meant for me. I needed it. NEEEEEDed. Technically I didn't have the money to pay all $180 plus tax to buy it. But, I had glorious coupons... and savings.

Okay so back track: A while ago the idea just came to me that I needed to start saving up my money. I had no idea what for: maybe a mission, or college, or travel, or just life. But, the idea didn't seem to have any downsides because I really don't need to spend every penny I earn within the month or week... or sometimes day... that I earn it. So, I saved up.

 

Tender Mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ #1: Inspiration to start saving money.

 

Because my parents paid for my expensive ticket and pictures and stuff, I assumed and was expected to buy my own dress. Everybody knows that if you want to be the belle of the ball, your dress is going to be really... really... really expensive. To me, expensive is one article of clothing that's over $25. So, obviously I was already freaking out trying to figure out how to pay my dress. If I had not saved money, there is no way I would've been able to have the dress of my dreams.

At this point, the dress of my dreams was the light pink one in the store. I needed it. All of Friday night (well until about past 2 a.m.) I was up making this plan where I would get up early to sell my clothes to the second-hand store, pull out my savings and transfer it to my checking account, compile coupons, and barely have enough to afford the dress. It was crazy, but my brain was so set on it so it was going to happen.

This is how Saturday went: I woke up early, ended up being too busy in the morning to go to the store early and kept praying in my heart that the dress would still be there and that I would be able to get it. As I was praying in my heart, the words came to me: if it be thy will. It seemed a little bit odd to me that that sort of serious concept would apply to this kind of situation. But, it really did. Because, when my best friend and I got to the store, the dress was gone... and I didn't bring the clothes I needed to sell with me anyway because I thought the store only took them early in the morning. I was so sad... not to mention I was freaking out because most other Prom dresses are well over $200.

Erika (my best friend) and I were informed that the store actually did take and pay for clothes during the day. Luckily, her family happened to be coming up to the mall (right next to the store we were at) in a little bit.

 

Tender Mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ #2: Erika's family was able to bring my old clothes to the store so I could sell them for the much-needed money for a Prom dress. I haven't had the chance to be back there since Saturday, so the fact that I was able to sell that that day was divine intervention.

 

I got $20 for the clothes that I sold (which weren't actually that many so it was really good). Then I began to pray very often across the next few days that I would be able to find a dress that was or could be made modest. I knew that Heavenly Father would take care of even the little things I wanted as long as my desires were righteous and according to his will.

 

The rest of the weekend and all much of Monday night was spent online all over the place, frantically searching for a drop-dead gorgeous, affordable dress that could get to me within two weeks. I e-mailed and chatted with probably about a dozen business representatives back-and-forth trying to get a good deal. The problem was I knew that the quality of the dresses I was looking at wouldn't be as good as the pictures and I was risking the chance that the companies were unreliable and the dress wouldn't fit or get to me on time. It was time-consuming and stressful.

Monday night I pretty much came to the conclusion that I had to order a dress that day or I wouldn't have a good-enough one. I had a hand-me-down prom dress that fit and was pretty, but I wanted a different style and I wanted to pick it. I wanted it to be perfect.

 

 Tender Mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ #3: I kept on missing opportunities to transfer my savings to my checking account: so, I could not order online.

 

I had about two dresses that I was pretty set on. Then, my Dad went online and started looking up local formal-wear stores that I could buy a dress in. Of Course! I have no idea why I didn't think of that before. All of Monday I was only searching in thrift stores and outlet stores and what not.

 

Tender Mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ #4: I clicked on the link for bridal shop that had a store pretty close to where I live and I saw a dress that I loved even more than the first one I wanted.

 

Erika and I went into the shop on Tuesday afternoon. That was a beautiful place. We had so much fun looking at beautiful dresses and trying them on.

 

Tender Mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ #5: The dress I wanted was right in the front of the store.

 

I fit the x-small best (of course that made me feel really amazing haha.)

 

Tender Mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ #6: The dress was the exact shade of pink that I wanted and the style was exactly the princess ball gown I dreamed of. The tulle skirt has the curly hems that I love and the layers. Mhmm. Perfectness.

 

Tender Mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ #7: The dress was on sale for 1/2 off. It was only $129.99 and $141 with tax.

 

I was able to afford the dress and buy it right away because I had deposited and transferred all of my money into my checking account earlier that day. I walked out of that store so excited. I had slid my debit card, put in my pin number and signed the receipt as fast as I could so I wouldn't have any second thoughts. Erika and I screamed in excitement as I called Tyler on the way home.

I still have to make my dress a little bit more modest by adding sleeves, but the dress it perfect. It's just what I wanted and it makes me feel so excited and good about myself when I put it on (especially since it's an extra small ;P). I feel like the princess that I am.

 

But, I still know with a surety that even if I didn't have the dress, I'm still a princess. I'm a princess and an heir to my Heavenly Father's kingdom and he is taking care of my everyday with seemingly small tender mercies that add up and testify of him with a strength in my heart that I could never deny. Be strong. Be aware of the little tender mercies in everyday life and ponder how they affect the big picture. You'll be surprised at how blessed you are. I love you all and so do Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They know you. Turn to them and live.





He Said YES!!! I'm Going to Prom!!! Wooo!!!!

Okay so sorry I didn't post right away. I've been freaking out trying to find a prom dress for days. (BTW I finally found one yesterday that is fluffing gorgeous!) SO, yeah, here I am again. So last Friday night a knock came at my door and my sister told me to go answer it. So, I did. Well, I opened the door and no one was there. This is what I found at my door step with a ribbon tied around it:

 

SO TOTES ADORBS. I love it.

What girl doesn't love a golden box of delicious truffles? With a bow... from a boy who's totally sweet? Even if you don't like truffles, the rest pretty much suffices. I personally love these truffles. So score for me... and extra weight on me also....

 



Okay, so.... sorry this is sideways, but if you turn your head and read it you will know why it made me happy. :) And it has little pictures of flowers and it's written in a pink font. And. My name is huge on the top. And. It says hugs. Yay. :D

 

 

And, now this is my reaction. Ignore the crazy bun in my hair and the fact that I'm not wearing any makeup. Not that it really matters, just saying. Oh yeah, and sorry that the pictures are sideways, I can't figure out how to get them upright:

 

Mmmm. These are my crazy eyes.

That shiny thing is actually the box of truffles.. sorry for the glare. The point is; there is my beautiful smiling face. Adore it. Just kidding :P

 

And there ya go! There's my awesome Friday. This is also going to be my first date. Don't make fun of me. I'm shy around guys... Yeah, that's it...



I'm Not Much of a Feminist but...

Okay so this is kind of off-topic, but in a way it's not because it's about friend love and Mormon Prom. ;) But, now that I sound really confusing: My b.f.f., Erika, and I just went to my friend Tyler Gannon's condo and decorated the stairs and his door like crazy people. Because, here's the thing: we all wanted to go to Mormon Prom together in May. But, for several reasons I won't mention, our plans fell through and it didn't work out the way we wanted it to. So, Tyler and I didn't know what to do because it's our first Mormon Prom and neither of us had a date. He didn't ask me because he thought I wouldn't go if Erika didn't. Okay sorry this is all drama. But, long story short, Erika and I talked about it and I decided to become a feminist for the day. I just asked Tyler to Mormon Prom and Erika helped me...ALOT. I haven't gotten an answer back from him yet because he barely got home and saw all the cray cray awesomeness an hour ago. I hope he says yes and doesn't think I'm too crazy. :P But, we'll see what happens and I'll update you eventually. For now, I'm going to do something risky and post some of the pictures of Erika's and my awesome adventure in setting up all this for him. Enjoy the spirit of momentary feminism and pure awesomeness. :)

At the bottom of the stairs

My poem which I wrote, cut into puzzle pieces and Erika put into balloons

Balloons!!! And a decorated door. Erika and I had so much fun! :)

 This is the poster where he's supposed to paste the poem puzzle pieces!

 

What will he say?!?!!?!? I'm so anxious and EXCITED! :D

Faith. Hope. Endure.

Okay so I know that I started off with another poem, but this poem is actually the first poem I wrote in my series of "self-reflection" poems. As I wrote this one I remember just allowing everything I felt to come out into words, mental pictures and symbols. Even as I read it again it reminds me of how far I've come from that point. Yet even then I knew that one day I would be lifted from the darkness if I just endured. As long as I felt like giving up on everything and everyone would be easiest, I still pressed on because I knew that Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father were there somewhere. I had hope and faith. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing the spirit to testify that to me then so that I could be on the right path now. I am so glad that even then as I wrote this, I added hope at the end. I added in what I knew to be true; that one day Christ would set me free :

Knuckles white as clouds and snow
clutching tighter with every blow.
Crack and Bleed.
The skin breaks through.
All alone I struggle free.
But nothing seems to come
between me falling.
between me crashing.
I hold on tighter.
Winds just blow me
ever stronger.
I struggle longer.
I can't keep holding.
Warm blood drips.
Warm sweat drips.
It stings my eyes.
Tears sting my eyes.
No one hears me when I cry.
My mind just whispers
Hoarsely whispers:
"Just let go."
"Just let go."
The pain is endless.
Ever Endless.
But I'm not brave enough
to be weak
and let go.
I'm not strong enough
to be weak
and let go.
There is no padding underfoot
to cushion such a vicious fall.
There is no padding underfoot
to muffle such a desperate call.
Yet no one can hear.
Yet no one can hear.
I'm barely holding by finger tips now.
There is no room to wonder how
this will end.
But this will end.
One day something will carry me.
One day something will lift me.
One day someone will set me free.

Yearning for Light

The last two years of my life were probably the most influential out of the sixteen I've lived. In a time that I felt very alone and confused, I began to write a series of poems. Besides constant prayers, scripture reading, and journal writing, I found poetry to be a very effective outlet.
I still love poetry with it's symbolism and style. You can put what you feel into words in a way that you think only you may understand completely. It's the written explanation of how an individual uniquely imagines different aspects of life.

I wrote this first poem when I felt that I could not find light or a voice within myself and really yearned for them. I think I knew where to find them, but I didn't know how to approach the task.
Please read and interpret how you would like, and how it might effect you most:

She stood inside a broken room.
The air was stiff and still.
The sound of rushing blood
screaming, whispering: I am here.
The pitch black sky did not exist.
The moon was never seen.
Her eyes stood still.
So very still.
And turned a deeper green.
She listened for the silence,
but did not hear a thing.
And there inside the darkness,
she tried to hoarsely sing.
But nothing seemed to permeate
her ever-sealed lips.
But nothing seemed to permeate
the darkness of her grip.
She reached out to touch the blood
that ran deep through her veins.
But nothing moved.
And there she was.
Nothing in the room.

When all at once she realized
one can't see dark in light.
And all at once she realized
there are stars at night.
Persuasion is a wicked thing.
A trick by human kind.
But suddenly she noticed,
It was all inside her mind.
The darkness stood
and listened close
for thoughts it never heard.
For interruption by a force,
not even just a word.
The frozen cheeks
from black and blue
looked closer to the sky.
The ceiling and the walls of hate
melted as she cried.
The boiling tears
The boiling tears
burned her snowy skin.
The rosy hue contagiously
burned all through within.
The fire of the closest star
melted icy blood.
The fire of the closest star
evaporated floods.
The green eyes dimmed
and satisfied,
they burnt and roasted brown.
The warmth and love of colored skies
brought the hatred down.

Fan the Flames of Faith

I don't know if anyone will ever read this blog, but here it is and I'll write everything I have to offer. I can only pray that who ever needs to hear what I have to say will come upon this blog.
I believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and that Jesus Christ atoned for our sins so that each of our plans could be fulfilled even when we make mistakes. I know I make a lot of mistakes and I'm doing my best to learn from them and become all that God has created me to be.
This is what my blog is about. It's about learning from my mistakes; bettering myself; reaching out to others; trying new things; serving others; emphasizing faith, hope and charity and growing every day in the unchanging truth and knowledge of the fullness of the restored gospel on the Earth today.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am sixteen. My name is Alexis and this is my journey in fanning and spreading the flames of my faith (Jeffrey R. Holland, April 2013 General Conference).

Want to know more about the church? Go to Mormon.org or LDS.org